TMI*, the children say

December 28, 2012

When you have disabilities, a sense of humor is important. I wasn't in the habit of laughing during intimate moments with my spouse. Now that it's essential, more's the pity. Given a choice of looking at sex as amusing or pathetic, I'll go with amusing.

So many issues conspire to make one gravitate toward celibacy. Ataxia often has overwhelming fatigue as a symptom and I would have to say, that's a big one. Although I don't have small children, a schedule or work stresses, I do need my daily nap. I've come to appreciate the benefits of good sleep, so "dead to the world" best describes me after 9 p.m. When Earl comes to bed, I'm usually already asleep—even though it's 9:15 p.m. There's one of the issues–but then, I have to be honest and admit it always has been.

The good news is, I don't have to deal with pain; I'm not certain I could cope with that. The bad news is, we're in our sixties and our parts don't move as well as they did in our twenties and thirties. That's a hard one (pardon the pun) to blame solely on ataxia. Backs, hips, knees, arthritis–jeez! It does suck to age. Thanks to yoga, I'm still moderately flexible. However, it's short–lived, I'm easily stuck and that's another occasion for hilarity.

Poor balance is also a significant issue. Earl knows I'm likely to fall off the bed, so we have to deliberately avoid the edge or I'd be like the grocery shelf. Stand back and let 'er go; there's nothing to be done until it's over. Adjusting body positions is neither easy nor smooth. Since staying upright when sitting is a challenge, it takes planning and patience on both our parts. Definitely not sexy.

Nausea and vertigo may happen if my head is lower than my shoulders or if I turn suddenly (I've learned not to turn suddenly, ever, for any reason—ever). Throwing up would be such a romantic mood killer.

You would think body image wouldn't be such a big issue, but it is. Whereas the ataxia hasn't caused me to become more modest, I'm definitely more vain and prone to close doors. It's difficult to be seductive when you can't stand dependably.

While I work to control my weight, everything seems to settle midpoint. Before the onset of ataxia, my activities and fitness level kept most parts where they belonged. Now that I am less active and mobile, my boobs have taken up residence with my waist, butt, and stomach. I can't even hold my stomach in when lying down! I've always looked better with clothes on, but now, it's critical. I just need to focus on the more important priorities—more intimacy, less falling.