The Multi–Generational Household
Years ago, I watched a talk show host interviewing the most famous couple in India about living in a multi–generational setting. "Living with your parents and children. I can't imagine. How's that working for you?" he inquired. They were successful, popular, and affluent. Necessity wasn't their motivation.
The man responded, "Living with just your wife and children. I can't imagine. How's that working for you?"
Our
national culture values settings where the children grow, leave and build
their own nest apart from their parents. However, families live together for a variety of reasons (happy and sad), and lengths of time (permanently and temporarily). It's easy to forget that multi-generational households are the
global norm and single family households are not. Still, we are a
product of our culture. Earl and I were happy to launch our children, see them find partners, have children, and establish homes. Six years ago, we had our first experience with two families under one roof. Our son Jason, his wife Elizabeth, and daughter Zoe, moved in after relocating from a different city. Their second child, our youngest grand daughter Lexi, was born during that time. Life was good, Earl and I were having a great time, but the family wanted their own nest. In time, they flew away. Not far, but away. Jason and Elizabeth turned around and welcomed us into their home during needful times.
Heidi's email to friends and family
So, after almost 4 months of near-constant showings and Open Houses... We sold our home! Once we accepted the offer, things moved fast. Inspection, appraisal, moving into my parent's house, kids started school, etc. We closed on Wednesday, Sept. 17th. We decided to build. So we purchased a one acre lot (about .5 miles from our former house). It's a pretty level lot and will accommodate an ideal, mostly one-level house. I have my fingers crossed that we'll be in our new place by Valentine's Day.
In the meantime, we've taken up residence at my parents' home in LO. Recently the upstairs (former master suite) of Casa de Schuman, was renovated into two large bedrooms, a large master bath, a small space for homework and a bonus room. The kids are happily (for now) sharing a room. So we all fit very nicely. It was a relief to do a quick move-in on Labor Day weekend. We wanted to establish a routine for the kids before school began Sept. 2nd. Both kids are still at their current schools. I drive them everyday. Between drop-off, pick-up, and soccer practice, I'm definitely making good use of my hybrid car. And luckily, we have lots of friends who are helping out.
It's weird not to have a house for 5-6 months. But we are happy to have family nearby and a comfortable, accommodating home for us to temporarily stay. During this build, we will be around all the time. Our home phone continues to work. Email and cell phones are also a great way to get a hold of us. Life is extra crazy right now. But I anticipate the usual level of crazy by November. Right now, we're just happy to be moving on to the next stage. It makes up for the lack of sleep :) Heidi
We briefly considered renting an apartment in West Linn. Not having to commute 3-4 times a day sounded nice. But I was wrong! The benefits of living here far outweigh the extra time in the car. We have so much space (private space upstairs and common space downstairs). The kids didn't have any problem moving right in and feeling at home (priceless). Although we moved in quickly on Labor Day, we spent two weeks gradually bringing our stuff over here. Every new load brought a new mess. But I had time to slowly organize everything. And this house has plenty of room. I brutally re-arranged some areas (pantry, fridge, kitchen drawers, laundry room) to make room for our stuff. My mom was very encouraging and the "merger" even inspired her to organize/pare-down the spices. Now that we have a few weeks under our belts, feeding and shopping for 6 instead of 2 can be done. It just takes planning and constant organizing. But I am my mother's daughter!
Things are still chaotic in the evenings (homework, quick dinner, soccer practice, showers, bedtime). But my Dad is always willing to help out. If Michael works late, he'll do the soccer practice commute. We share cooking and shopping duties. It may, over time, be too many cooks in the kitchen. But for now, add that to my "I'm grateful" list.
We definitely have different needs, styles, and eating habits. But we're totally conscious of these differences. We are making it work and aren't afraid to just say something. Another benefit of family, unconditional love and my mother's bluntness. And since both my mom and I deal with Ataxia, there are many similar concerns. Clear pathways around the house, good parking, naps, walk-in shower, etc. Michael and I also share our smartphone addiction with Mom and Dad. We don't have to worry about being thought of as rude. We're all rude.
Recently, I dropped kids off at school and did some shopping. Then came home looking forward to lunch and a nap. But the school called me. Kyle had a bad tummy ache and needed to be picked up. Back to West Linn, then home again to LO. No nap. Pick up Sarah at 4. Come back and make dinner. There's always something. But now I can come home knowing there are people to help with watching the kids, driving, making dinner. So I can go to bed early! Overall the challenges of the commute are exceeded by the benefits of being here. Plus, we know it's only temporary!
Seeing the temporary move coming was one motivation for our remodel*. It turned out even better than we expected because there was so much space. It was ideal for family and guests because it's upstairs and can be separate from the main living area. I was pleasantly surprised by the emails from friends about the new adventure. Certainly there were concerns, but the view was overwhelmingly positive. Some of the best advice I received...
From one friend:
Six months, eh? Having people stay with us for extended time in the past (many times), I have a couple of comments and pieces of advice, if you are interested. Maybe something will be new and helpful.
1. You were very wise to give them their own space upstairs. It is important that they can live separate from you and Earl.
2. You have probably already thought this through, but be sure to establish your expectations up front...both families. I also found that when people have to take ownership of a kitchen, they feel more comfortable and at home. They know your kitchen and where everything goes....you get the point.
3. I have had to give up on having the house as tidy as it is when it is with just my husband and me. If it bothers me, I just put the extras on the stairs for mom or dad to take upstairs later. Once I resolved to "just do it", I no longer felt irritated. I wish I had adopted this attitude when I was raising my own kids....I could saved myself a lot of frustration.
4. Among many other things, one thing I hate about aging is how rigid I have become. It's been good for me to have my comfy life shaken up a bit. It has also been good for me to KEEP MY MOUTH SHUT when my granddaughter makes some of the parenting decisions she does. Now, if I would just apply this to my husband as well...I am sure it would please him.
5. If you can, take a couple of vacations over the next 6 months....long weekends will do. Encourage Heidi and her family to do so as well. It is nice to have a break from each other, even if only for a day or two. Your daughter would probably love to have her family to herself in your house without you and Earl there.
As you and Earl are planners, you have probably already talked through these things. In the 1990s, two of our sons lived with us (separate times)...one with his wife and two children for 6 months when they moved here from Phoenix. Then our oldest son and his wife lived with us for a year while saving for a house. I was younger and more flexible then. I loved having them live with us. I know it was hard for both my daughters-in-law having to share a house, rather than having a home of their own. But the mission was accomplished and we still liked each other. It will work out for the six of you also.
Few things bug me more than the notion of, "It could be worse..." Makes me want to say, "Gee, that never occurred to me." Anything could be worse; that's not the issue. It's one thing to blog about something and another to live the difference between a 65-year-old ataxic woman with time to think, exercise, rest, and few urgent responsibilities and a 40-year-old ataxic woman with school–age children and limited time. My life is "Sure, whenever...". Hers is "Maybe, if I can fit it in...". We both want to do as much as we can, but daily life is so much more of an effort for Heidi than me.**
Come 6 am weekdays, we all come alive–more or less. Truth be told, Earl's usually already up and exercising or gone. I watch the morning news in bed for awhile until I hear the sound of Michael coming down and turning on the coffee machine ("I love the smell of caffeine in the morning"). Sarah and Kyle are past the "pitter patter of little feet" stage. Thundering feet is the phrase that comes to mind, but they're usually the last ones out of bed, so it doesn't matter. Part of me wishes I could be more help with the hectic, morning Tenison Circus. The 7 am to 8 am hour sounds like a raucous party. Mostly, Earl and I are just happy it's not our party.
*Previous post: Bringing down the house—the rest of the story
**Previous post: Mother Daughter Act
The lesson: I'm sure when the time comes, I'll be happy again with a quiet house. But for now, I'm enjoying the sounds of a full house.
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