New member of the family

"You want what?" said Earl.  Having gotten used to the amount of s*!@t I usually get from him*, "A bidet", I replied. And so the story begins.

A few months before, our Thai housemate relayed a conversation between he and his mother, my friend. "Why don't Tammy and Earl use a bidet?" she inquired.  I later explained to Jack that in fact, people from the US are accustomed to using toilet paper.  Free-standing bidets here are often equated with affluence.  Not so elsewhere in the world.  I knew that bidets are more commonly seen in Europe, but didn't realize how much of the world uses them.  

I remember traveling through Europe as a junior in high school with a large group. That was my first sighting of a bidet. This group of girls had no idea what it was for.  We thought it was a foot bath.  I can only imagine that the French girls thought we were rude, ignorant, or just crazy.

At any rate, the more I read and thought about it, the more I wanted one.  In this day and age there are more options than there used to be. I had no interest in another appliance cluttering up our bathroom. Neither do I like the idea of unsightly electrical cords near our sink.  However, I did like the idea of warm air and water on my bottom.  Another motivation was dealing with toileting when you’re injured or, for some reason, unable to reach ones nether regions.  It was reassuring to know that upper body involvement wasn’t required.  In the past, bidets intimidated me.  Would I need posted instructions?  Bidets for Dummies book?  A YouTube tutorial? I could handle a "PUSH HERE", so that became an important feature.

 The next question became, how expensive would it be to have an outlet installed?  I had to talk to our contractor, another male, and endure an additional raft of s*!@t (pardon the pun).  He pretty efficiently installed the outlet with a minimum of teasing (at least, to my face).  

Earl moved into his "research" phase while I took a nap.  Although he spent most of his time doing serious research, he couldn't let an opportunity get away. That's when the joking began. 

"We'll be the cleanest assholes in town."

"Lean too far forward and you may need to change your wet shirt."

"Think how much fun you'd have running off with the remote when someone else was sitting on the toilet."

"If you're not careful, you can give yourself a high colonic." (really not possible_)

Husband to wife: "Is that meant to replace me?" 

Since most bidets come from Japan and the supply chain between Asia and the US has been interrupted by COVID–19, delivery was variable.   Our Brondell bidet seat was purchased from a US company, but we didn't know where it was manufactured. Jack's bidet attachment took five days, but our bidet seat took five weeks.  We ended up (damn, another pun) ordering a simple attachment for Jack's bathroom.  It was more like what he was used to, but  we decided to get nothing for the bathroom off the kitchen.  We felt the kids, guests, etc., would benefit from a simpler, bidet–free zone.  Our bathroom, however, got the full meal deal (poor choice of words). 

Earl and I approached the final step of personalizing the settings with some trepidation.  Thank goodness, after over 50 years together, modesty wasn't an issue.  I perched after he reassured me that he could be trusted with a remote, I wasn't likely to be electrocuted, and that there was no ejection button.  As with a car, you can customize settings for two people. I needed to do that so that in the middle of the night, I had one button to push, not several.  I was User One (because I'm always number 1) with a certain seat temperature, water temperature, front position, rear position, and air drying temperature.  We managed to do that with minimal laughing.  Although there is still a learning curve and future fine tuning, we got to the 'fine for now' stage—hands free, so to speak.  Anyway, I love iit.

The lesson:  The rest of the world does have a better idea.  Even Earl joined me in welcoming the new family member.  Still gives me crap... (damn, another pun)

*Hi, I'm Tammy and I'm a Tech Gadget Addict

Earl's research addendum:

Research can be taxing, but this was not at all crappy (devil made me do it).

I searched the internet (Best reviews, CNET, Wirecutter, etc) and read my Consumer Reports article.  They all mostly agree that Toto and Brondell are the best out there.  The newest and most feature rich models had few reviews.

We then assessed which features we liked and which were important.  Some had remote control which displayed the many features and allowed you to fine tune them.  Since we never saw a feature we didn't like, the more the merrier.  Those that allowed for one button access to multiple programmed features were ideal for those with upper body injuries or disabilities, rose to the top of our review.

I then checked prices of both Toto and Brondell.  The top models for each run $650-750 on Amazon.  I then checked other vendors. Found one called Many Bidets that sold the Brondell 1400 for $515 with free shipping.  Amazon said it would take 6-8 weeks to ship (during COVID–19 pandemic).  This vendor had it to us in 5 weeks.  Toto is a Japanese company.  Brondell is owned by Mark Cuban and is based in San Francisco.  Not a big deal, but worth considering when there is fairly equal quality and reviews.  Bidet attachments are dramatically less expensive (< $100).

There is my research.  The Brondell 1400 bidet seat was easy to install.  We have used it for about a week now.  Use much less TP and have cleaner, fresher butts.  It takes just a little time to get your bottom pressure-washed, but with all the adjustments, it quickly becomes the favorite way to cleanse after a BM.  It even seems to eliminate the cling-ons that can occur with TP use.   So far, we are happy people.

-- 

Earl Schuman

Update:  A month out and we love our bidet seat.  Yes, there was a bit of a learning curve but not much. I was surprised at the amount of feedback I got from various readers that had been thinking about getting a bidet as well.  I don't have any negative points so I will just say "Dive in" (damn another pun).